Coachee Reflection 5

Coachee Reflection 5

Today I spoke with Amy on two conversations I had this week.  The most valuable one was with my close friend Travis.  We have been best friends for as long as I can remember and although we still remain close today, we do not see each other as often as we once did. Travis is an individual who has made some poor decisions in life and as a result his options (career and living arrangements) are limited.  This mainly has to do with his lack of responsibility and inability to recognize that there are repercussions for his actions that may effect his future.   Without getting too involved with his background, I will say that he has had a somewhat rough upbringing and I imagine this has had an effect on his functionality.  

The last few days I have spent with Travis because his sister is getting Married this weekend in California. We flew out together and I recognized that he would be the perfect person for this week’s assignment.   Once I picked him up for the airport he realized he had forgotten his $300 sunglasses on the plane.  He shrugged and said I’ll just get another pair.  Then he took out his phone to show me the new pair he intended to get, which were also $300.  Keep in mind this is a person who can hardly afford rent and he was about to spend a large some of money to replace the sunglasses he had lost as if he were buying socks.  Normally I would get extremely irritated by this type of behavior from him and immediately try talking sense into him.  However, trying to be an empathetic listener, I asked what it was about the sunglasses he was showing me that made them so desireable and worth the price tag.  Was it their functionality in protecting his eyes from the sun? Or was it a fashion statement where the design looked a way that was appealing? His replied that because of a nose injury from earlier in his life his nose was somewhat misshapen.  Since expensive sunglass companies offer different size measurements for the nosepiece of the glasses, he was able to find the ones that fit him correctly.  I was actually impressed by his answer and could see from putting myself in his shoes that this wasn’t such a ridiculous purchase. 

The next conversation I had was with an old friend who used to be my boss when I worked construction.  He is a great guy who is wonderful to talk with.  When speaking with him I recognized that he is an empathetic listener and that as a result I am too.  He creates this container which makes me feel more inclined to be empathetic in my listening.

After explaining all this to Amy she had a really wonderful question she asked which was when I was being an empathetic listener in the conversation with Travis, did it have the same effect as my conversation with my boss.  After thinking about this insightful question I cam to the conclusion that it had.  Normally I would have attacked Travis on how I believed the glasses were a stupid purchase and to some extent that’s the reaction he expected of me.  However, by being empathetic in my listening we were able to completely dissolve any type of issue or conflict that may have arose, which resulted in a more empathetic conversationalist on his end as well.      

Coachee Reflection 4

Coachee Reflection 4

     In this week’s meeting with Amy we discussed presencing and the process of identifying the true self.  I briefly explained to Amy what my experience had been like in part one of our weekly assignment.  I went out to the country on one of the beautiful days we had this week and sat for a good deal of time in the woods.   After sitting in silence, began my stream of conscious writing.   In this exercise I explored the different meaning and elements of the word “self”.  It is something that has existed in my for my whole life. I could identify it’s presence when I was a 6 year old kid, collecting rocks in the back yard of my grandparents house.  It was also present in me the first time I got my heart broken.  It follows this body around and has been since the day I was born.  But what is it? This was the hardest question to answer.  Although I recognize it’s existence and acknowledge when it surfaces, it’s not really something to be defined.  This is what art and poetry is for.  I think the most brilliant painters and musicians spend their whole lives searching for a way to express what this is.  

     In my conversation with Amy I explained to her that the area of my life where my true self is most present is when writing songs.  My process for writing is that I sit down for an extended period off time- six maybe ten hours.  I begin to develop ideas of maybe melody of lyrical content.  I act as a detective trying to eek out any clues I possibly can as to where the song should go.  Eventually after devoting time to the song, ideas will begin to come.  The way I see it, one must dedicate a certain amount of time and effort to the song and when they have sacrificed enough, they are given the golden idea from the muse.  This could be a few hours, weeks or even months. When it occurs, it is as if the answer came from a higher source that was not yourself.   What is imperative for this occur is to have complete faith in the process.  To know that if the time is put in that eventually the answer will be revealed.  It is revealed organically from our true self. 

     The future song is written.  A piece of the future song is given as a gift and it is up to the writer to be open to it and recognize it when it arrives.  This takes patience and also a keen sense of awareness.  In the time when I am approaching the answer, I am filled with great energy and elation.  It is an extreme high where all awareness of time disappears.  In these moments I feel most alive and most connected with who I really am.  It’s a very unique experience. One that I very much cherish and respect.   

Coaching Reflection #4

Coaching Reflection #4

In today’s meeting with Andrew he shared with me the areas in his life where he feels he’s most in touch with his true sense of self.  The first instance he referenced was when he is on stage filling the role of MC in front of children.   once he hits the stage Andrew said there is an extreme focus that occurs where he is zeroing in on his current task and all other thoughts melt away.  In these instances he is not concerning himself with the possibilities of failure.  He is simply acting from his true self, improvising as it goes.  Being one who is often on stage, I agreed with Andrew. I too feel this extreme focus while on stage and a intimate connection with self.

The next example Andrew cited was with woodworking.  One of Andrew’s favorite hobbies is constructing objects from wood.   He explained to me how in his life there is little time when there is complete silence.  However, when he is woodworking sometimes he will be working in silence for hours on end.   This allows him to focus on one thing and nothing else.  In the process he creates an item that is the result of his true sense of self.   

The instance Andrew shared where he feels this true sense of self is through his work.  Andrew explained that one of the reason he really enjoys his work at a school is because it allows him to take many different projects.   When he takes on a new project he has a vision and puts much time and effort into that idea and sees it come to life.  Once the vision comes to life he gets to see children benefit from its application and a collective sense of enjoyment is present.

I explained to Andrew that in the instances he shared with me, he was always injecting a piece of who he was into the task.  He was creating something from his own DNA and then seeing it play out in the world where it is then experienced by the collective.  Once this occurs it is no longer a individuals idea or work, it is a collective thing that was revealed through you.  In all his examples I could relate because I too feel most in touch with myself when I create.  

Coachee Reflection 3

Coachee Reflection 3

For this week’s assignment, I practiced suspension with my music producer. In some ways I feel that suspending my judgment was a drawn out way to come to the same conclusions I would normally of had.  I could see how this might not always be the the case, but it just happened to be this specific time. For the particular song we chose to work on, I knew before hand that I would not like the direction my producer would take. Normally I would have interjected when he began constructing a new direction but recognizing that this assumption was based on past judgements, I allowed him to explore this idea in full. I even made it a point to share with him my process, saying, “in my mind I immediately opposed the suggestions you were about to give but I recognize that was foolish, so lets bring them to life and see what happens.”   The results were just how I imagined. 

In this week’s coaching meeting I explained to Amy my frustration in spending three hours on an idea that I knew from prior experience I would not be satisfied with. I feel in this scenario I suspended the valuable tool of experience and as a result I wasted time and money. I asked Amy where is the line that separates experience and judgment? Amy was very insightful in making me recognize that suspension didn’t mean to always dismiss these notions, but to be AWARE of them.   Once we are aware of where the judgment is derived from, we can consider it’s RATIONALE.   This was a very insightful response that Amy gave and it really helped me put the scenario into perspective.  Amy also added that in a situation where someone is being paid for their service/time, the situation is less suited for suspension.  However, on a personal level, I may have noticed a much different result.  I agreed with Amy.   In personal relationships, suspension can show that we care to understand those close to us and this can make a huge difference in creating an adequate container for future discussion.

The last bit we talked about was the idea of the authentic self.  I explained to Amy how I was having trouble grasping what exactly this was, because it is defined by such vague and abstract ideas.   We then had a discussion about music and where it might play into this.  While I do not think we were able to completely clarify the term, Amy shared a really important point.  She said that being a musician, the idea of an authentic self might not be so foreign as it may be to someone who is an accountant.  The arts celebrate the exploration of our identity and being in touch with our being, while most jobs do not.  This is absolutely true.   I’ve worked many jobs, such as construction and bartending and there was never encouragement in the workplace to reveal my soul.  I was simply encouraged to get my work done.  With music however, our inner self is nurtured and we are encouraged to reach a more spiritual place of being. 

Coaching Reflection #3

Today Andrew and I had a chance to talk about this week’s assignment which was to put suspension into practice.   The conversation he chose to share with me was one that he had with his mother.  Andrew felt his mother was a good candidate for this assignment because he often has trouble communicating with her. In this particular case the conversation was one regarding planning for his wedding rehearsal dinner that will take place in the near future.  

Andrew admitted to me that there is already a bit of tension surrounding this topic with his mother.  When practicing suspension in the course of the conversation, Andrew explained to me that his mother let loose explaining her thoughts on how the dinner should be decorated.  While Andrew did not like the style decoration she was proposing, he suspended his interjection and let her continue.  I reminded Andrew the suspension was not simply biting you tongue when feeling the urge to interject but also being aware that his reaction to her styling may be rooted in past thought, where growing up he was surrounded by the same style decorations.  

As a result of using suspension in his conversation, Andrew felt that he was just delaying a more tense conversation where he would have to deny her planning rights.  However, one area where suspension did assist, was creating an environment where his mother felt he cared about what she had to say.  I explained to Andrew that this was an important step in creating a container where a deeper dialogue could occur.  He agreed, but admitted that he had his doubts to whether in the next conversation they would pick up where they left off or be starting from scratch.  He explained to me that they did not talk on a regular basis.

In my conversation with Andrew we talked about the difficulty that can arise when conversing with family members.  In a lot of ways, I feel this type of assignment that is aimed at reaching a place of dialogue, is hardest with people that we have a significant past with like parents or siblings.  The reason being that there is so much history that is often downloaded in conversation.  It can also be hard for us to display new communication skills with people who are very familiar with us because they have come to expect certain behavior from us and can have a hard time accepting change.  However, I concluded with Andrew that I applauded his willingness to have such a conversation with his mother because finding better ways to communicate with people who play a large role in our lives, and will continue to into the future, is probably one of the most important places in his life where material from class can make a significant difference.